textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
