How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
