I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
