the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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