it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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