I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
