i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
