I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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