my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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