Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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