You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize