I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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