dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
