im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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