i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
