I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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