You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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