I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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