i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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