Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
