its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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