You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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