Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
