Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
