I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
