On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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