Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I smell stomach acid.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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