He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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