How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
