This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize