McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
