She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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