i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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