Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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