Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
