Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
