True but thats because hes a fetus.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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