I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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