Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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