Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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