My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
