Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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