i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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