Life is so much better after having sex.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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