We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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