Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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