I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
