I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
