This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize