I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
