wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
