one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
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