Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
