I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
