I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
