finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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