Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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