Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
