Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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