You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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