Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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