hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Randomize
