Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
