I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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